Lost and Desperate

3 January 2009
What if you feel that you are a failure rather than a success? That’s exactly my state of mind at the end of 2008.
Earlier this year, I felt I have accomplished quite a lot. I have had my articles published by the Jakarta Post. I have had an article published in an academic journal. I delivered a presentation for a scientific conference. I managed to keep my promise to myself to keep my job for at least a year and I have been able to withstand the stress of juggling between my studies and my work. I have a perfect GPA for my first trimester at the Seminary. I managed to get a one point increase in my pay point grade. I felt happy about my cell-group, and having compared it with the other cell-group in the church, I was pretty sure I had a really nice cell-group with more variety of delivery methods. I felt I was already a very senior person at LBI, having been teaching for five years and knowing everything one needs to know about teaching IELTS and TOEFL and acquired respect from my students and colleagues, as well. I was very happy that finally the MOU between Indonesia and Australia in Education and Training was signed by the ministers and that was a hallmark in my career. I was very happy to be in Sydney and Canberra last month and meeting important people in the politics and education, but also a couple of valuable friends from my past. I had two books published this year as well and had translated in whole or in parts five books this year.
But towards the end of the year, I felt I was more of a failure than a success. I have managed to accomplish those things in my professional life, but have failed in major events for my own personal life. Ryan, a good friend from UI years, was probably correct when he said that my life had eventually fallen to the worship of Mamon and how would I know later that one would love me because of what I have rather than who I am. Probably Ryan put the right priorities all along, while I was mocking his lack of enthusiasm for achieving greater heights and better career all the time. While I was busy hopping from one job to another and from one country to another, Ryan was faithfully executing his job as a translator with meagre salary before eventually passing the sworn translator exam and being promoted to the rank of coordinator in the same office, which he has served since 2003. While I was trying not to be attached to anyone and avoiding commitments, Ryan was dating this same girl since 2003 and learned what it meant to have solid commitments not just professionally but personally also. What if I had followed Ryan’s footsteps instead of my ambitions? Gee, I don’t know.
Ah, doesn’t that remind you of Robert Frost’s poem, The Road Not Taken. Now I cannot conclude toghether with Frost yet, that the small road one chooses although a quiet one was actually more rewarding than the big road that everyone else chooses. I still don’t know whether the road I have taken will be a good one yet. At this point, I believe I am not in a very cheerful disposition when talking about my life and its future direction. I’m officially in the state of analysis paralysis. I don’t really know what to do next and what kind of job should I hunt for next. That’s a bit sad considering the fact I was so full of ideas earlier this year about where my life will be going. Now, seemingly I am lost amidst all of my ideas.
When one is lost, the best thing to do is to find a map or a guide. At this Christmas season, I hope the gifts for me will be a map and a guide.
On a lighter note, actually, there is no lighter note. I have had a terrible Sunday as a liturgist. One of my own personal worst performance as a liturgist. I couldn’t believe how bad I was. I didn’t even have the courage to look at the people. Probably, the time has come to pass on the baton to someone younger.
I have also lost the joy of shopping as well. After getting rid about a dozen of my old clothes due to the arrival of four pieces of new clotes that I recently bought, I just realized that I have been such a big spender for useless things. I should learn to be more stringent on my budget. Well, actually if you know the measures I take to save my money, you will wonder what else could I possibly save. I am also feeling very bored; just couldn’t muster the will to do my papers or my translation project. Well, I’d better stop writing; otherwise I will make all of you desperate as well.