Yesterday Vuji came up with a question, "What if after taking so much time to minister to other people and to live a life of integrity and believing in the saviour, we still find that our life is empty?" I guess that's the feeling of many people. They have believed in the saving power of God, have become committed members of the church and have lived such virtuous lives. But deep down in their hearts, there is still something missing. What went wrong?
I tried to give some practical suggestions to Vuji, ranging from getting busy with activities, setting up short-term and long-term goals, even getting married. However, those are , somehow, only a diversion. The emptiness is still there.
I promised him that I will try to find out what went wrong and what can be fixed and I will start with interviewing some people at different stages of life.
He also asked one important question. What does it mean when Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"? I was silenced as I also do not really know what it means. Therefore, at my spare time, if any could be found, this week, I will try to answer these questions.
So are you living a full life or an empty life?
Rabu, 23 September 2009
Selasa, 18 Agustus 2009
After being absent for half a year
I haven't written anything on my blog for more than half a year. The last entry seems so sad and blue. Well, now I'm not so desperate and lost, but still lost and desperate.
Life has gone to a different direction since January. Now, having been at UNESCO for nearly four months, I have decided not to pursue further career in these international organizations. After having a stint of struggle on the pastoral calling, I have also decided not to be a full-time minister. Looking back at my entries since 2006, I cannot keep myself away from a sense of wonder at how things have changed since then and how things remain the same up to now.
I notice even more at how I have aged and grown in maturity in looking at the same matters with different perspectives.
I still enjoy my seminary and I am grateful for the opportunity to study there and I am still very keen on pursuing my PhD. But if the good Lord opens a different gate, I want to go there as well.
Life has gone to a different direction since January. Now, having been at UNESCO for nearly four months, I have decided not to pursue further career in these international organizations. After having a stint of struggle on the pastoral calling, I have also decided not to be a full-time minister. Looking back at my entries since 2006, I cannot keep myself away from a sense of wonder at how things have changed since then and how things remain the same up to now.
I notice even more at how I have aged and grown in maturity in looking at the same matters with different perspectives.
I still enjoy my seminary and I am grateful for the opportunity to study there and I am still very keen on pursuing my PhD. But if the good Lord opens a different gate, I want to go there as well.
Lost and Desperate
3 January 2009
What if you feel that you are a failure rather than a success? That’s exactly my state of mind at the end of 2008.
Earlier this year, I felt I have accomplished quite a lot. I have had my articles published by the Jakarta Post. I have had an article published in an academic journal. I delivered a presentation for a scientific conference. I managed to keep my promise to myself to keep my job for at least a year and I have been able to withstand the stress of juggling between my studies and my work. I have a perfect GPA for my first trimester at the Seminary. I managed to get a one point increase in my pay point grade. I felt happy about my cell-group, and having compared it with the other cell-group in the church, I was pretty sure I had a really nice cell-group with more variety of delivery methods. I felt I was already a very senior person at LBI, having been teaching for five years and knowing everything one needs to know about teaching IELTS and TOEFL and acquired respect from my students and colleagues, as well. I was very happy that finally the MOU between Indonesia and Australia in Education and Training was signed by the ministers and that was a hallmark in my career. I was very happy to be in Sydney and Canberra last month and meeting important people in the politics and education, but also a couple of valuable friends from my past. I had two books published this year as well and had translated in whole or in parts five books this year.
But towards the end of the year, I felt I was more of a failure than a success. I have managed to accomplish those things in my professional life, but have failed in major events for my own personal life. Ryan, a good friend from UI years, was probably correct when he said that my life had eventually fallen to the worship of Mamon and how would I know later that one would love me because of what I have rather than who I am. Probably Ryan put the right priorities all along, while I was mocking his lack of enthusiasm for achieving greater heights and better career all the time. While I was busy hopping from one job to another and from one country to another, Ryan was faithfully executing his job as a translator with meagre salary before eventually passing the sworn translator exam and being promoted to the rank of coordinator in the same office, which he has served since 2003. While I was trying not to be attached to anyone and avoiding commitments, Ryan was dating this same girl since 2003 and learned what it meant to have solid commitments not just professionally but personally also. What if I had followed Ryan’s footsteps instead of my ambitions? Gee, I don’t know.
Ah, doesn’t that remind you of Robert Frost’s poem, The Road Not Taken. Now I cannot conclude toghether with Frost yet, that the small road one chooses although a quiet one was actually more rewarding than the big road that everyone else chooses. I still don’t know whether the road I have taken will be a good one yet. At this point, I believe I am not in a very cheerful disposition when talking about my life and its future direction. I’m officially in the state of analysis paralysis. I don’t really know what to do next and what kind of job should I hunt for next. That’s a bit sad considering the fact I was so full of ideas earlier this year about where my life will be going. Now, seemingly I am lost amidst all of my ideas.
When one is lost, the best thing to do is to find a map or a guide. At this Christmas season, I hope the gifts for me will be a map and a guide.
On a lighter note, actually, there is no lighter note. I have had a terrible Sunday as a liturgist. One of my own personal worst performance as a liturgist. I couldn’t believe how bad I was. I didn’t even have the courage to look at the people. Probably, the time has come to pass on the baton to someone younger.
I have also lost the joy of shopping as well. After getting rid about a dozen of my old clothes due to the arrival of four pieces of new clotes that I recently bought, I just realized that I have been such a big spender for useless things. I should learn to be more stringent on my budget. Well, actually if you know the measures I take to save my money, you will wonder what else could I possibly save. I am also feeling very bored; just couldn’t muster the will to do my papers or my translation project. Well, I’d better stop writing; otherwise I will make all of you desperate as well.
What if you feel that you are a failure rather than a success? That’s exactly my state of mind at the end of 2008.
Earlier this year, I felt I have accomplished quite a lot. I have had my articles published by the Jakarta Post. I have had an article published in an academic journal. I delivered a presentation for a scientific conference. I managed to keep my promise to myself to keep my job for at least a year and I have been able to withstand the stress of juggling between my studies and my work. I have a perfect GPA for my first trimester at the Seminary. I managed to get a one point increase in my pay point grade. I felt happy about my cell-group, and having compared it with the other cell-group in the church, I was pretty sure I had a really nice cell-group with more variety of delivery methods. I felt I was already a very senior person at LBI, having been teaching for five years and knowing everything one needs to know about teaching IELTS and TOEFL and acquired respect from my students and colleagues, as well. I was very happy that finally the MOU between Indonesia and Australia in Education and Training was signed by the ministers and that was a hallmark in my career. I was very happy to be in Sydney and Canberra last month and meeting important people in the politics and education, but also a couple of valuable friends from my past. I had two books published this year as well and had translated in whole or in parts five books this year.
But towards the end of the year, I felt I was more of a failure than a success. I have managed to accomplish those things in my professional life, but have failed in major events for my own personal life. Ryan, a good friend from UI years, was probably correct when he said that my life had eventually fallen to the worship of Mamon and how would I know later that one would love me because of what I have rather than who I am. Probably Ryan put the right priorities all along, while I was mocking his lack of enthusiasm for achieving greater heights and better career all the time. While I was busy hopping from one job to another and from one country to another, Ryan was faithfully executing his job as a translator with meagre salary before eventually passing the sworn translator exam and being promoted to the rank of coordinator in the same office, which he has served since 2003. While I was trying not to be attached to anyone and avoiding commitments, Ryan was dating this same girl since 2003 and learned what it meant to have solid commitments not just professionally but personally also. What if I had followed Ryan’s footsteps instead of my ambitions? Gee, I don’t know.
Ah, doesn’t that remind you of Robert Frost’s poem, The Road Not Taken. Now I cannot conclude toghether with Frost yet, that the small road one chooses although a quiet one was actually more rewarding than the big road that everyone else chooses. I still don’t know whether the road I have taken will be a good one yet. At this point, I believe I am not in a very cheerful disposition when talking about my life and its future direction. I’m officially in the state of analysis paralysis. I don’t really know what to do next and what kind of job should I hunt for next. That’s a bit sad considering the fact I was so full of ideas earlier this year about where my life will be going. Now, seemingly I am lost amidst all of my ideas.
When one is lost, the best thing to do is to find a map or a guide. At this Christmas season, I hope the gifts for me will be a map and a guide.
On a lighter note, actually, there is no lighter note. I have had a terrible Sunday as a liturgist. One of my own personal worst performance as a liturgist. I couldn’t believe how bad I was. I didn’t even have the courage to look at the people. Probably, the time has come to pass on the baton to someone younger.
I have also lost the joy of shopping as well. After getting rid about a dozen of my old clothes due to the arrival of four pieces of new clotes that I recently bought, I just realized that I have been such a big spender for useless things. I should learn to be more stringent on my budget. Well, actually if you know the measures I take to save my money, you will wonder what else could I possibly save. I am also feeling very bored; just couldn’t muster the will to do my papers or my translation project. Well, I’d better stop writing; otherwise I will make all of you desperate as well.
On the way home from Canberra
21 November 2008
O Canberra, that lonely town between the hills!
Strangely, this is the only city in Australia that I visited three times. The first one was just a short stop-over from my way back from the Snowy Mountains to Sydney. The second one was a special trip to have a look around the famous Floriade, when the city is full of tulips. The third one was just two weeks ago, for an official trip with the ministerial delegation. I just noticed as well that in my Friendster, there are actually more pictures of Canberra than Sydney. This is indeed strange, particularly that I don’t love the city at all. I hate that ‘only lighted cemetary in the world’ as one magazine puts it. It’s so quite and so far away from all the interesting places in Australia.
I cherish the opportunity of meeting Henry back on Willis Street and meeting Katrin and Lia on that Vietnamese Restaurant on Anzac Parade. It’s good to meet people from your past and see where they are at now. Had a fantastic time during my evenings in Canberra due to Milda. Funny that we never met in Jakarta despite teaching at the same University, but I always meet her in Australia. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same thing about my afternoons and mornings in Canberra.
My way home from Canberra to Jakarta took 18 hours of my time. It started at 9.25 in Canberra International Airport (I do wonder how can an airport that does not have a direct flight to international destinations be called an international airport and considering the fact that terminal Blok M is bigger than the Airport building). Two hours later I was in Brisbane Domestic Airport. I just realised that there are two airports in Brisbane. So I rushed to the International Airport and ended up being the first person to queue for the QF 51 flight to Singapore. Eight hours later, I was rushing through terminal 1 in Changi, trying to find gate 20 in terminal 2, and ended up as one of the first ones there. These prove that I am always on time. Hahahaha. Then I had a lovely flight back home with Singapore Airlines. After taking Qantas for the last 4 flights, flying Singapore Airlinies is like showing up in heaven.
The hours spent on flying gave time to reflect and contemplate. I suppose I have had enough of this chapter of my life dealing with the delicacies of bilateral relations. I am keen to find other opportunities and probably be very happy to return to lecturing. Seemingly, I have always been in the right place without realising that it’s actually the right place. (I am talking about lecturing here).
About life in general? Not very happy, but still can be thankful.
About failing to get the scholarship? Now not the right time probably. Someday in God’s perfect timing, I’ll get it. See, I have a faith in God that withstood failures and disappointments. (Nothing to boast though. I don’t have enough failures and disappointments as those in the Bible and do really hope that I don’t have to face their failures and disappointments). Edi told me that it is good that I failed winning the scholarship. That gives me a lesson about failures, not just successes. Well, believe me, Edi, I had my shares of failures as well before this one.
About seminary? Thank goodness, the second trimester has ended. I couldn’t manage my time due to excessive travelling. Had a lovely time, though, with Romo Mardi, Rev Hakh and Rev Hamakonda. I now have so many goals for the church and my ministry. Just pray that I’ll have the time and energy to pursue them.
About books? Had enough, had enough of translating. So glad that my translation on Missiology will be launched formally tomorrow. Sad that I couldn’t make it due to my teaching commitments in LBI. I should give up teaching on Saturdays strating next semester.
About driving? Not so much progress. I have to spend more time driving.
About God? The Lord is my breastplate and sword for the fight. Naught be all else to me save that Thou Art.
O Canberra, that lonely town between the hills!
Strangely, this is the only city in Australia that I visited three times. The first one was just a short stop-over from my way back from the Snowy Mountains to Sydney. The second one was a special trip to have a look around the famous Floriade, when the city is full of tulips. The third one was just two weeks ago, for an official trip with the ministerial delegation. I just noticed as well that in my Friendster, there are actually more pictures of Canberra than Sydney. This is indeed strange, particularly that I don’t love the city at all. I hate that ‘only lighted cemetary in the world’ as one magazine puts it. It’s so quite and so far away from all the interesting places in Australia.
I cherish the opportunity of meeting Henry back on Willis Street and meeting Katrin and Lia on that Vietnamese Restaurant on Anzac Parade. It’s good to meet people from your past and see where they are at now. Had a fantastic time during my evenings in Canberra due to Milda. Funny that we never met in Jakarta despite teaching at the same University, but I always meet her in Australia. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same thing about my afternoons and mornings in Canberra.
My way home from Canberra to Jakarta took 18 hours of my time. It started at 9.25 in Canberra International Airport (I do wonder how can an airport that does not have a direct flight to international destinations be called an international airport and considering the fact that terminal Blok M is bigger than the Airport building). Two hours later I was in Brisbane Domestic Airport. I just realised that there are two airports in Brisbane. So I rushed to the International Airport and ended up being the first person to queue for the QF 51 flight to Singapore. Eight hours later, I was rushing through terminal 1 in Changi, trying to find gate 20 in terminal 2, and ended up as one of the first ones there. These prove that I am always on time. Hahahaha. Then I had a lovely flight back home with Singapore Airlines. After taking Qantas for the last 4 flights, flying Singapore Airlinies is like showing up in heaven.
The hours spent on flying gave time to reflect and contemplate. I suppose I have had enough of this chapter of my life dealing with the delicacies of bilateral relations. I am keen to find other opportunities and probably be very happy to return to lecturing. Seemingly, I have always been in the right place without realising that it’s actually the right place. (I am talking about lecturing here).
About life in general? Not very happy, but still can be thankful.
About failing to get the scholarship? Now not the right time probably. Someday in God’s perfect timing, I’ll get it. See, I have a faith in God that withstood failures and disappointments. (Nothing to boast though. I don’t have enough failures and disappointments as those in the Bible and do really hope that I don’t have to face their failures and disappointments). Edi told me that it is good that I failed winning the scholarship. That gives me a lesson about failures, not just successes. Well, believe me, Edi, I had my shares of failures as well before this one.
About seminary? Thank goodness, the second trimester has ended. I couldn’t manage my time due to excessive travelling. Had a lovely time, though, with Romo Mardi, Rev Hakh and Rev Hamakonda. I now have so many goals for the church and my ministry. Just pray that I’ll have the time and energy to pursue them.
About books? Had enough, had enough of translating. So glad that my translation on Missiology will be launched formally tomorrow. Sad that I couldn’t make it due to my teaching commitments in LBI. I should give up teaching on Saturdays strating next semester.
About driving? Not so much progress. I have to spend more time driving.
About God? The Lord is my breastplate and sword for the fight. Naught be all else to me save that Thou Art.
Nine years on
17 September 2008
I have had my driving license for nine years. Miserably, I still have problems driving my car. I could buy the car, but I can’t really drive it. Well, not that I cannot drive it, I just can’t park it :D. That is even more hilarious probably.
I have noticed that in my entire history, I have been avoiding challenges about my skills. For instance, since I felt I was not really good in riding a bicycle, I decided not to ride a bicycle at all. There was nothing to lose. There were people that I could rely on to take me to different far-away places. When I felt swimming was difficult, I stopped swimming altogether. Finally, since math caused so much stress, I decided to study literature. I have been trying to protect my self esteem by avoiding difficult things that will make me look ridiculous in front of other people. This pattern of behavior has done me bad than good.
If you learn the Goal Setting Theory from Locke and Latham, you know that what I have been doing is called lowering the expectation. I decided to lower my expectation and eventually avoiding the goal at all. I seriously think I cannot do this any longer. Having forced myself to live alone in Sydney and doing all sorts of things as an individual, I suppose forcing myself to learn to drive and park a car is just a piece of cake. Well, the reality seemingly says the opposite.
Now I languish on forcing myself to drive the car as it is totally ridiculous to have a car but not to drive it. But this harsh act on my self-confidence and self-image, I believe is good for myself. Moreover, I must set a goal to achieve. I must say to myself by early next year, I will be able to drive on my own. We’ll think about the parking for the mid of next year. But this is a necessary goal. If I don’t have any specific goal, I will not be able to achieve anything, based on Goal Setting Theory.
So, I’ll risk embarrassment and ridicule. That’s fine, as long as eventually I can achieve this goal. That is another commitment.
Other than that, life has come to a long plateau. This is a blessing rather than a curse. Well, that’s at least how I want to and should view it. There are small achievements here and there–reasons to be thankful all the time. There is a great sense of achievement about what I have been doing in the church, i.e. my KTB cell group. “The Lord is good and His mercy endures forever.”
I have had my driving license for nine years. Miserably, I still have problems driving my car. I could buy the car, but I can’t really drive it. Well, not that I cannot drive it, I just can’t park it :D. That is even more hilarious probably.
I have noticed that in my entire history, I have been avoiding challenges about my skills. For instance, since I felt I was not really good in riding a bicycle, I decided not to ride a bicycle at all. There was nothing to lose. There were people that I could rely on to take me to different far-away places. When I felt swimming was difficult, I stopped swimming altogether. Finally, since math caused so much stress, I decided to study literature. I have been trying to protect my self esteem by avoiding difficult things that will make me look ridiculous in front of other people. This pattern of behavior has done me bad than good.
If you learn the Goal Setting Theory from Locke and Latham, you know that what I have been doing is called lowering the expectation. I decided to lower my expectation and eventually avoiding the goal at all. I seriously think I cannot do this any longer. Having forced myself to live alone in Sydney and doing all sorts of things as an individual, I suppose forcing myself to learn to drive and park a car is just a piece of cake. Well, the reality seemingly says the opposite.
Now I languish on forcing myself to drive the car as it is totally ridiculous to have a car but not to drive it. But this harsh act on my self-confidence and self-image, I believe is good for myself. Moreover, I must set a goal to achieve. I must say to myself by early next year, I will be able to drive on my own. We’ll think about the parking for the mid of next year. But this is a necessary goal. If I don’t have any specific goal, I will not be able to achieve anything, based on Goal Setting Theory.
So, I’ll risk embarrassment and ridicule. That’s fine, as long as eventually I can achieve this goal. That is another commitment.
Other than that, life has come to a long plateau. This is a blessing rather than a curse. Well, that’s at least how I want to and should view it. There are small achievements here and there–reasons to be thankful all the time. There is a great sense of achievement about what I have been doing in the church, i.e. my KTB cell group. “The Lord is good and His mercy endures forever.”
After all the troubles
1 August 2008
Now, I am loaded with a billion things to do, yet I decide to write a blog entry. That’s a typical Agus.
After the excitement of getting my first article published by a newspaper, when the second one is published, the excitement seemingly has evaporated. The same applies, I think, after getting my first translation published or my first presentation for an academic conference. The joy of doing those things has gone. Nevertheless, we know that all those things are not done for the sake of joy alone. We do those things because they are our legacy and for me, my small steps of acquiring a professorship. That seems like a million steps away from where I am standing now. Nevertheless, please have a look at the article through this link:
After nearly one year at the Embassy (next month marks my one year tenure at the Embassy), I am actually quite bored with what I have to do daily. Of course, the biggest joy of working there is the increasing salary! But probably, I will need to browse around and look for other great opportunities with greater income.
Speaking about opportunities, I just declined an offer to teach for Binus. The Head of the Department herself contacted me and offered me a position. But after all the trouble of visiting the campus and sitting for the test, I just lost interest in teaching there. The chemistry wasn’t there. Hahahaha.
However, another opportunity arises. Suddenly, Prof Pillay from QUT offered me to be his partner in a research he is going to conduct here in Indonesia. We are currently preparing a proposal for AusAID funding. Now, this is something really new. I’ve never done it in my entire lifetime. I do hope that everything will be fine and we will be able to secure the funding. About doing the actual research, well, we don’t need to worry now. That’s for the future worry.
I have been enjoying about a month and a half of not coming to the seminary. It’s relaxing actually. I hope next trimester will be lighter than the first one. I also hope that my teaching schedule at UI can be reduced by half. I am looking forward for more relaxing time to enjoy in my late 20s. Although that might not happen as I am translating this awesome book by Bill Hybels. It’s so awesome that I can’t really translate it well. Oh, goodness.
Finally, I have one note about a trip to Bandung. After that crappy Bandung trip, at least I learned something about self-fulfilling prophecy theory at the TVET congress. The theory postulates that whatever we believe in ourselves or in other people, that thing—bad or good—will come true. Now that seems a bitfar-fetched for many, but actually there are more than 300 studies in the States that support that theory. So, I now must believe that I will succeed and not fail—I will have what I want. Well, that is not probably going to happen if God is as good as He claims, as Rev. Elisabeth Hasikin said last Sunday, “It’s not what we want that should happen. It’s what God wants that should happen.” So rather than a self-fulfilling prophecy theory, we probably need a God-fulfillingprophecy theory. Well, that’s not a theory actually since God’s prophecy willalways materialize, right? Hopefully, He has designed something splendid for me.
Now, I am loaded with a billion things to do, yet I decide to write a blog entry. That’s a typical Agus.
After the excitement of getting my first article published by a newspaper, when the second one is published, the excitement seemingly has evaporated. The same applies, I think, after getting my first translation published or my first presentation for an academic conference. The joy of doing those things has gone. Nevertheless, we know that all those things are not done for the sake of joy alone. We do those things because they are our legacy and for me, my small steps of acquiring a professorship. That seems like a million steps away from where I am standing now. Nevertheless, please have a look at the article through this link:
After nearly one year at the Embassy (next month marks my one year tenure at the Embassy), I am actually quite bored with what I have to do daily. Of course, the biggest joy of working there is the increasing salary! But probably, I will need to browse around and look for other great opportunities with greater income.
Speaking about opportunities, I just declined an offer to teach for Binus. The Head of the Department herself contacted me and offered me a position. But after all the trouble of visiting the campus and sitting for the test, I just lost interest in teaching there. The chemistry wasn’t there. Hahahaha.
However, another opportunity arises. Suddenly, Prof Pillay from QUT offered me to be his partner in a research he is going to conduct here in Indonesia. We are currently preparing a proposal for AusAID funding. Now, this is something really new. I’ve never done it in my entire lifetime. I do hope that everything will be fine and we will be able to secure the funding. About doing the actual research, well, we don’t need to worry now. That’s for the future worry.
I have been enjoying about a month and a half of not coming to the seminary. It’s relaxing actually. I hope next trimester will be lighter than the first one. I also hope that my teaching schedule at UI can be reduced by half. I am looking forward for more relaxing time to enjoy in my late 20s. Although that might not happen as I am translating this awesome book by Bill Hybels. It’s so awesome that I can’t really translate it well. Oh, goodness.
Finally, I have one note about a trip to Bandung. After that crappy Bandung trip, at least I learned something about self-fulfilling prophecy theory at the TVET congress. The theory postulates that whatever we believe in ourselves or in other people, that thing—bad or good—will come true. Now that seems a bitfar-fetched for many, but actually there are more than 300 studies in the States that support that theory. So, I now must believe that I will succeed and not fail—I will have what I want. Well, that is not probably going to happen if God is as good as He claims, as Rev. Elisabeth Hasikin said last Sunday, “It’s not what we want that should happen. It’s what God wants that should happen.” So rather than a self-fulfilling prophecy theory, we probably need a God-fulfillingprophecy theory. Well, that’s not a theory actually since God’s prophecy willalways materialize, right? Hopefully, He has designed something splendid for me.
O Czech, O Spain
21 June 2008
Having been troubled for the last two weeks, I think I finally made up my mind. I will turn down the generous scholarship offer to pursue another master degree in the Czech Republic and the Kingdom of Spain. Instead, I will pursue the not-so-certain possibility of pursuing my PhD in Australia again.Will I regret this? I haven’t had anything to regret so far, and I believe, anyway and anyhow, the Lord himself will be my consolation in the years to come.Not long ago, I read a sermon by the Rev. Stanley Tjahjadi when he was ordained as a minister at GKIN. He said, let us not ask, "What if?" Such questions will have no answer and will only lead us to more questions. Rather, be thankful for what we have had so far. He also made a reference to Moses, when he was shepherding his flock in the middle of the dessert and saw the burning bush. Moses could have ignored the burning bush and just did things regularly. Instead, Moses took that irregular action of finding out more about the bush and there he met the Lord himself. Had he not taken that irregular action, the Israelites might have not been set free from Egypt as quickly as it was recorded in Exodus.I felt somehow, the offer to go to Czech and Spain was that call for me to do something irregular, to move out from my comfort zone. Nevertheless, I think when I am resolved to turn down the offer, I should not be intrigued to ask, "What if" and be bitter if someday my life does not turn the way I have planned it previously. That’s a decision and a resolution.
Having been troubled for the last two weeks, I think I finally made up my mind. I will turn down the generous scholarship offer to pursue another master degree in the Czech Republic and the Kingdom of Spain. Instead, I will pursue the not-so-certain possibility of pursuing my PhD in Australia again.Will I regret this? I haven’t had anything to regret so far, and I believe, anyway and anyhow, the Lord himself will be my consolation in the years to come.Not long ago, I read a sermon by the Rev. Stanley Tjahjadi when he was ordained as a minister at GKIN. He said, let us not ask, "What if?" Such questions will have no answer and will only lead us to more questions. Rather, be thankful for what we have had so far. He also made a reference to Moses, when he was shepherding his flock in the middle of the dessert and saw the burning bush. Moses could have ignored the burning bush and just did things regularly. Instead, Moses took that irregular action of finding out more about the bush and there he met the Lord himself. Had he not taken that irregular action, the Israelites might have not been set free from Egypt as quickly as it was recorded in Exodus.I felt somehow, the offer to go to Czech and Spain was that call for me to do something irregular, to move out from my comfort zone. Nevertheless, I think when I am resolved to turn down the offer, I should not be intrigued to ask, "What if" and be bitter if someday my life does not turn the way I have planned it previously. That’s a decision and a resolution.
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