The title of this entry is a quote from Jung, which I found while reading Stott's Everyday with the Bible. Stott was examining the repentance of Saul, the arch-enemy of the young church. A zealous Jew, Saul was determined to exterminate the church--a deviant sect following (and worshipping!) Jesus of Nazareth.
How can this Saul turned so drastically from wanting to kill every Christian to wanting to convert everyone to Christianity in the person of Paul? Well, perhaps, Saul was very doubtful about his faith and religion, deep down in his heart. That's why he was compensating it with finding an enemy so that by defeating the enemy, his faith and religion looked right in his perspective.
I think I see this kind of over-compensation among many people nowadays. Their interpretation of their faith, or whatever ideology they holding to, has never been shaken. Once they hear news about people criticizing or doubting their faith, they try to defy the criticism by building a fanatical attitude towards their 'correct' interpretation and shun all the others. Any attempt to shake their interpretation will be met with hostile attitude.
Luckily, many years ago, my interpretation on my faith was tremendously shaken. It was not done by any of the liberal scholar you met at the Jakarta Theological Seminary. I was already 'prepared' and immunized myself from such notable person(s). I just listened to whatever he or she had to say and did not bother to contemplate on it. It was the words of the evangelical Rev Yonky Karman that shook my faith to its very core. Pak Yonky was examining the types of errors in the Bible. It was really an eye-opener. I had previously heard about errors in the Bible, but not explained in clear words and in detail to my very own eyes and ears. It took a couple of months of re-examining what it meant to be Christian and Bible-believing. However, it was a necessary step for theological and spiritual enlightenment and good riddance of fanatical views in me.
I wish all people had that experience--being shaken to their very core. By systematically doubting our own values, principles, and faith, we actually can grow stronger in them without having to resort to that over-compensation called fanaticism. And of course to be able to systematically doubt and evaluate our primordial trappings, we must nurture the critical thinking faculties in our brain. Unfortunately, the nurturing of critical thinking is severely lacking in this republic. At the post-graduate level, I find my students unable to evaluate (or even worse, understand) the information given to them.
I dream of the day when I can do more to train critical thinking among the future generation, not so that they become doubtful about their faith and values, but so that they are able to appreciate their faith and values in a balanced manner and openly embrace differences of views. Hence, we won't have fanatical Sauls anymore. We'll have more intellectually robust and spiritually enlightened Pauls.
Minggu, 04 Oktober 2015
Rabu, 23 September 2015
(More than) a year since finishing my PhD
It is now more than a year since my PhD graduation took place. Has life been as good as I wanted it to be? Have missed opportunities by taking the decisions I made?
The honest answer is no. I am always harsh on myself so I tend not to appreciate my life achievements thus far.
So I'd like to count my blessings.
1. For a finished PhD.
2. For publication awards.
3. For my peer-reviewed publications (and the offer to contribute to publications)
4. For slow-paced life here in Jakarta
5. For leaving Sunshine Coast
6. For many job offers
7. For invitation to Adelaide (refused) and Kuala Lumpur (accepted)
8. For doing nothing at church
9. For mid-day naps
10. For people I can talk to through Whatsapp
11. For the money coming in
12. For winning the Outstanding Doctoral Thesis Award from QUT
13. For winning the IEAA Outstanding Post-graduate Thesis Award
14. For being able to resign from bad offices
15. For being able to see again the open opportunities
16. For believing that this life can make a difference and the courage to make it happen
17. For Jesus Christ whose example is to be followed and whose glory we work for
So there are quite a lot of things to be grateful for. When I forget about these great things, I need to look at this trophy sitting on my work desk. It reads: This award is presented to Agustian Sutrisno in recognition of outstanding contribution to knowledge and excellence in higher degree research. That's enough reason to press on and move forward.
The honest answer is no. I am always harsh on myself so I tend not to appreciate my life achievements thus far.
So I'd like to count my blessings.
1. For a finished PhD.
2. For publication awards.
3. For my peer-reviewed publications (and the offer to contribute to publications)
4. For slow-paced life here in Jakarta
5. For leaving Sunshine Coast
6. For many job offers
7. For invitation to Adelaide (refused) and Kuala Lumpur (accepted)
8. For doing nothing at church
9. For mid-day naps
10. For people I can talk to through Whatsapp
11. For the money coming in
12. For winning the Outstanding Doctoral Thesis Award from QUT
13. For winning the IEAA Outstanding Post-graduate Thesis Award
14. For being able to resign from bad offices
15. For being able to see again the open opportunities
16. For believing that this life can make a difference and the courage to make it happen
17. For Jesus Christ whose example is to be followed and whose glory we work for
So there are quite a lot of things to be grateful for. When I forget about these great things, I need to look at this trophy sitting on my work desk. It reads: This award is presented to Agustian Sutrisno in recognition of outstanding contribution to knowledge and excellence in higher degree research. That's enough reason to press on and move forward.
On leaving Brisbane
This is an entry from February 5, 2014. It was the entry 'protested' by Josephine. However, this was the most apt description and reflection of the Brisbane and PhD experience.
For the last 3.5 years, my complaint is the same: I hate Brisbane and I can’t wait to leave it for good.
Now the day has been set for my permanent departure from Brisbane. I am happy that I will leave Brisbane, but I am not very happy that this departure does not take me back to Jakarta (yet).
When I left Jakarta on 30 June 2010, I was kind of relieved. My Jakarta house was crowded as my niece who was barely 1 year old stayed with us along with her parents. My parents took the room next to mine. It was chaos for me. I lost my privacy and quietness. I was also disturbed with the constant reminder of the need to get married. I was not really up for it back then.
When I arrived in Brisbane, I was immediately disappointed. It was just too village-like compared to Jakarta. The only consolation was that at that time I thought QUT was a good place to do the PhD and I lived at a nice and quiet house in Alderley. I also had a stable church community at Emmanuel UC.
As the days turned and the years passed in Brisbane, I grew more disappointed with QUT (to the point of no return to loving it anymore) and had to move several houses around the city. There were the days when this PhD seemed doomed and I totally could not understand why I had to endure 9 months of just revising a chapter (and eventually wrote the next two chapters in just one month only to achieve the same praise from my final seminar panel). In that way, Brisbane has been deeply linked to the pain of my PhD and the solitary journey of writing endless versions of the same chapter. I hate Brisbane as I hate my PhD and the university.
The permanent and consoling parts of life in Brisbane were my Alderley land lady who saved me from many troubles, the Emmanuel UC community where I drew strength to keep on moving, and the B 333 office where I spent countless hours of working (and chatting with best friends across the globe—they are my true saviours from deep depression).
These three constant elements of life for the last 3.5 years in Brisbane are starting to disappear. My office has been no longer mine since the last two weeks—I was kicked out after a week of submitting my thesis to external examiners. I had coffee with my PhD friends to mark the end of my office days at QUT. I said my farewell to my Alderley land lady last Sunday—believing that we’ll be in touch and meet again someday. I am going to let go the church community on Saturday just minutes before I depart for Sunshine Coast.
Will I enjoy life up the Coast? Will I loathe it with the same vehemence as Brisbane? Will I find those constant and consoling life elements there? I truly can’t tell. What I do know is that I am glad that one chapter of life in Brisbane is coming to a close and that a new one is all for me to write over.
I remember one particularly dark night when I was in a car with my Alderley land lady travelling from Indooroopilly back to Alderley on the first month of living in Brisbane. I thought I was in the middle of nowhere and how strange and rural Queensland seemed to me. It suddenly reminded me of the hymn, ‘Wat de toekomst brengen moge’ or ‘Tersembunyi ujung jalan’. You can find the lyrics in one of my earlier notes.
Now as I leave for Sunshine Coast and reflect back on life in Brisbane, I have found this other one to help me appreciate life in Brisbane no matter how bitter it was and to put my faith in God for the life in Sunshine Coast no matter how it turns out. Both the English and Indonesian versions are translation from Rodigast’s German lyrics.
1. What God ordains is always good;
His will abideth holy.
As He directs my life for me,
I follow meek and lowly.
God indeed in every need
Doth well know how to shield me;
To Him, then, I will yield me.
1. Yang diperbuat Allahku, kebaikan semuanya. RancanganNya tetap teguh; ‘ku berserah padaNya. Tuhankulah selamanya yang ingin kuandalkan: padaNya aku aman.
2. What God ordains is always good.
He never will deceive me;
He leads me in His own right way,
And never will He leave me.
I take content What He hath sent;
His hand that sends me sadness
Will turn my tears to gladness.
2. Yang diperbuat Allahku tak usah kuragukan dan jalan lurus kutempuh berkat pimpinan Tuhan. Anugerah dan kasihNya pedoman di bahaya: hidupku di tanganNya.
3. What God ordains is always good.
His loving thought attends me;
No poison can be in the cup
That my Physician sends me.
My God is true; Each morn anew
I'll trust His grace unending,
My life to Him commending.
3. Yang diperbuat Allahku dengan pengasuhanNya membuat jiwaku sembuh: tepat pengobatanNya. Mujarablah nasihatNya: aku percaya Dia, Tabibku yang setia.
4. What God ordains is always good.
He is my Friend and Father;
He suffers naught to do me harm,
Though many storms may gather.
Now I may know Both joy and woe,
Some day I shall see clearly
That He hath loved me dearly.
4. Yang diperbuat Allahku tak sungkan kuterima; tetap di marabaya pun Terang hidupku Dia. Di waktuNya ternyatalah betapa mengagumkan tujuan kasih Tuhan.
5. What God ordains is always good.
Though I the cup am drinking
Which savors now of bitterness,
I take it without shrinking.
For after grief God grants relief,
My heart with comfort filling
And all my sorrow stilling.
5. Yang diperbuat Allahku mengubah kepahitan, sehingga cawan duka pun mengandung kemanisan dan akhirnya bahagia mengisi lubuk hati; resah pun tiada lagi.
6. What God ordains is always good.
This truth remains unshaken.
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
I shall not be forsaken.
I fear no harm, For with His arm
He shall embrace and shield me;
So to my God I yield me.
6. Yang diperbuat Allahku peganganku abadi; bencana, maut, kemelut tak risau kuhadapi: terasalah rangkulanNya tempat hatiku aman, kuasaNya kuandalkan.
A more modern rendition in English can be heard here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyoIPjE6dMM
For the last 3.5 years, my complaint is the same: I hate Brisbane and I can’t wait to leave it for good.
Now the day has been set for my permanent departure from Brisbane. I am happy that I will leave Brisbane, but I am not very happy that this departure does not take me back to Jakarta (yet).
When I left Jakarta on 30 June 2010, I was kind of relieved. My Jakarta house was crowded as my niece who was barely 1 year old stayed with us along with her parents. My parents took the room next to mine. It was chaos for me. I lost my privacy and quietness. I was also disturbed with the constant reminder of the need to get married. I was not really up for it back then.
When I arrived in Brisbane, I was immediately disappointed. It was just too village-like compared to Jakarta. The only consolation was that at that time I thought QUT was a good place to do the PhD and I lived at a nice and quiet house in Alderley. I also had a stable church community at Emmanuel UC.
As the days turned and the years passed in Brisbane, I grew more disappointed with QUT (to the point of no return to loving it anymore) and had to move several houses around the city. There were the days when this PhD seemed doomed and I totally could not understand why I had to endure 9 months of just revising a chapter (and eventually wrote the next two chapters in just one month only to achieve the same praise from my final seminar panel). In that way, Brisbane has been deeply linked to the pain of my PhD and the solitary journey of writing endless versions of the same chapter. I hate Brisbane as I hate my PhD and the university.
The permanent and consoling parts of life in Brisbane were my Alderley land lady who saved me from many troubles, the Emmanuel UC community where I drew strength to keep on moving, and the B 333 office where I spent countless hours of working (and chatting with best friends across the globe—they are my true saviours from deep depression).
These three constant elements of life for the last 3.5 years in Brisbane are starting to disappear. My office has been no longer mine since the last two weeks—I was kicked out after a week of submitting my thesis to external examiners. I had coffee with my PhD friends to mark the end of my office days at QUT. I said my farewell to my Alderley land lady last Sunday—believing that we’ll be in touch and meet again someday. I am going to let go the church community on Saturday just minutes before I depart for Sunshine Coast.
Will I enjoy life up the Coast? Will I loathe it with the same vehemence as Brisbane? Will I find those constant and consoling life elements there? I truly can’t tell. What I do know is that I am glad that one chapter of life in Brisbane is coming to a close and that a new one is all for me to write over.
I remember one particularly dark night when I was in a car with my Alderley land lady travelling from Indooroopilly back to Alderley on the first month of living in Brisbane. I thought I was in the middle of nowhere and how strange and rural Queensland seemed to me. It suddenly reminded me of the hymn, ‘Wat de toekomst brengen moge’ or ‘Tersembunyi ujung jalan’. You can find the lyrics in one of my earlier notes.
Now as I leave for Sunshine Coast and reflect back on life in Brisbane, I have found this other one to help me appreciate life in Brisbane no matter how bitter it was and to put my faith in God for the life in Sunshine Coast no matter how it turns out. Both the English and Indonesian versions are translation from Rodigast’s German lyrics.
1. What God ordains is always good;
His will abideth holy.
As He directs my life for me,
I follow meek and lowly.
God indeed in every need
Doth well know how to shield me;
To Him, then, I will yield me.
1. Yang diperbuat Allahku, kebaikan semuanya. RancanganNya tetap teguh; ‘ku berserah padaNya. Tuhankulah selamanya yang ingin kuandalkan: padaNya aku aman.
2. What God ordains is always good.
He never will deceive me;
He leads me in His own right way,
And never will He leave me.
I take content What He hath sent;
His hand that sends me sadness
Will turn my tears to gladness.
2. Yang diperbuat Allahku tak usah kuragukan dan jalan lurus kutempuh berkat pimpinan Tuhan. Anugerah dan kasihNya pedoman di bahaya: hidupku di tanganNya.
3. What God ordains is always good.
His loving thought attends me;
No poison can be in the cup
That my Physician sends me.
My God is true; Each morn anew
I'll trust His grace unending,
My life to Him commending.
3. Yang diperbuat Allahku dengan pengasuhanNya membuat jiwaku sembuh: tepat pengobatanNya. Mujarablah nasihatNya: aku percaya Dia, Tabibku yang setia.
4. What God ordains is always good.
He is my Friend and Father;
He suffers naught to do me harm,
Though many storms may gather.
Now I may know Both joy and woe,
Some day I shall see clearly
That He hath loved me dearly.
4. Yang diperbuat Allahku tak sungkan kuterima; tetap di marabaya pun Terang hidupku Dia. Di waktuNya ternyatalah betapa mengagumkan tujuan kasih Tuhan.
5. What God ordains is always good.
Though I the cup am drinking
Which savors now of bitterness,
I take it without shrinking.
For after grief God grants relief,
My heart with comfort filling
And all my sorrow stilling.
5. Yang diperbuat Allahku mengubah kepahitan, sehingga cawan duka pun mengandung kemanisan dan akhirnya bahagia mengisi lubuk hati; resah pun tiada lagi.
6. What God ordains is always good.
This truth remains unshaken.
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
I shall not be forsaken.
I fear no harm, For with His arm
He shall embrace and shield me;
So to my God I yield me.
6. Yang diperbuat Allahku peganganku abadi; bencana, maut, kemelut tak risau kuhadapi: terasalah rangkulanNya tempat hatiku aman, kuasaNya kuandalkan.
A more modern rendition in English can be heard here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyoIPjE6dMM
Random Thought(s) -- 1
This is an entry in my Facebook notes, dated January 26, 2012.
It was the second year of my PhD journey. I never had the chance to write the random thought anymore. I did finish this conference abstract and ended up presenting it in Hobart and winning high commendation for the presentation. The working life needs a break from time to time.
I come to the realisation that I am an amazingly conservative person, as in the word “to conserve”, not as in the synonym of “fundamentalist”. As I moved out from the “monastic life” of Alderley to this newer place in Kelvin Grove next to two major roads, across a supermarket, I felt I love the deadly quiet hill-top Alderley. That’s the surface sy...mptom. Underneath, I just hate accepting new things and adapting to new circumstances. I love to conserve what was there, rather than embracing something new. That’s why I hate Brisbane and I love Sydney. That’s why I hate my last job more than I hate the previous one. That’s simply because I am conservative. Well, it’s just a random thought in the midst of the laziness in finishing a conference abstract. I think when I get stuck or lazy again, I'll do this random thought thing
It was the second year of my PhD journey. I never had the chance to write the random thought anymore. I did finish this conference abstract and ended up presenting it in Hobart and winning high commendation for the presentation. The working life needs a break from time to time.
I come to the realisation that I am an amazingly conservative person, as in the word “to conserve”, not as in the synonym of “fundamentalist”. As I moved out from the “monastic life” of Alderley to this newer place in Kelvin Grove next to two major roads, across a supermarket, I felt I love the deadly quiet hill-top Alderley. That’s the surface sy...mptom. Underneath, I just hate accepting new things and adapting to new circumstances. I love to conserve what was there, rather than embracing something new. That’s why I hate Brisbane and I love Sydney. That’s why I hate my last job more than I hate the previous one. That’s simply because I am conservative. Well, it’s just a random thought in the midst of the laziness in finishing a conference abstract. I think when I get stuck or lazy again, I'll do this random thought thing
Wat de toekomst brengen moge
This is an entry from August 8, 2010 in my Facebook notes. This was one of the first days in Brisbane, one of thousands of days. It was bitterly painful. I still remember the night very clearly. It was a winter night. Julia drove me to watch an Indian dancing recital in the southern side of the river. It was miles away and the night was dark, very dark. There would be more dark nights in Brisbane. That was the first time I was aware of how 'village-like' Brisbane was and how life would be very different from Jakarta and Sydney. This kind of faith helped me to survive Brisbane and the PhD. I am still reeling from the experience.
Wat de toekomst brengen moge,
Mij geleidt des Heeren hand;
moedig sla ik dus de oogen
naar het onbekende land.
Leer mij volgen zonder vragen;
Vader, wat Gij doet is goed!
Leer mij slechts het heden dragen
met een rustig kalmen moed! ...
What the future yet may bring me
I am led by God’s own hand.
Full of hope I look with longing
To that future’s unknown land.
Teach me following without asking
Father, what you do is good
Help me my own load to carry
In a quiet, restful mood.
Tersembunyi ujung jalan,
hampir atau masih jauh;
'ku dibimbing tangan Tuhan
ke neg'ri yang tak ku tau.
Bapa ajar aku ikut,
apa juga makudMu,
tak bersangsi atau takut,
beriman tetap teguh.
Heer, ik wil Uw liefde loven,
al begrijpt mijn ziel U niet.
Zalig hij, die durft gelooven,
ook wanneer het oog niet ziet.
Schijnen mij Uw wegen duister,
zie, ik vraag U niet: waarom?
Eenmaal zie ik al Uw luister,
als ik in Uw hemel kom!
For your love we long to praise You
While it’s hard to comprehend
Blessed are those who dare to trust You
When their eyes of faith grow dim.
When our paths appear so darkened
Then we do not ask You why?
One day we with wisdom sharpened
In Your heaven will arrive.
Meski langkahMu semua
tersembunyi bagiku,
hatiku menurut jua
dan memuji kasihMu.
Meski kini tak 'ku nampak,
nanti 'ku berbahagia,
apabila t'rangMu nampak
dengan kemuliaannya.
Laat mij niet mijn lot beslissen:
zoo ik mocht, ik durfde niet.
Ach, hoe zou ik mij vergissen,
Als Gij mij de keuze liet!
Wil mij als een kind behand’len,
dat alleen den weg niet vindt:
neem mijn hand in Uwe handen
en geleid mij als een kind
My life’s purpose You direct Lord
If I could, I would not dare
I would, no doubt, choose the wrong Lord
If that choice were in my care.
As your child I need your nurture
On my own I’d loose the way.
Take my hand into your hand
Lest in sin I go astray!
Tuhan, janganlah biarkan
kutentukan nasibku.
B'rilah hanya kudengarkan
keputusan hikmatMu.
Aku ini pun selaku
kanak-kanak yang bebal.
Bapa jua bimbing aku
ke kehidupan kekal.
Waar de weg mij brengen moge,
aan des Vaders trouwe hand
loop ik met gesloten oogen
naar het onbekende land.
Where the road may take me,
with faithful hand of the Father
I walk with eyes closed
to the unknown land.
Dengan Bapa aku maju
dalam malam yang kelam
ke neg'ri yang tak kutahu
dengan mata terpejam...
Lagu tiga bahasa ini pertama kali didengar waktu hari-hari terakhir sekolah di SMUK 3, sekolah yang susahnya setengah mati. Dengan kerja keras yang betul-betul keras, akhirnya bisa juga dapet ranking 1 di kelas 3 IPS 4. Masih ingat betul Minggu itu yang khotbah Pdt. Untung Ongkowijoyo dan khotbahnya memusingkan-gak jelas. Tapi lagu yang dipilihnya ini sangat indah. Saat itu kepala juga sedang pusing, gak tahu mau masuk kuliah jurusan apa dan akan akhirnya jadi apa. Kalau tahu pada saat itu bahwa akhirnya akan kerja di Embassy terus ke UNESCO, atau kalau tahu bahwa akan kuliah di UI, terus dapet beasiswa ke UNSW dan QUT, tentu tidak akan bingung atau takut atau ragu. Tapi waktu itu, sangat bingung dan gak tau mesti ngapain. Stanza terakhir dari lagu ini dalam bahasa Indonesia sangat menyentuh hati, "Dengan Bapa aku maju...dengan mata terpejam." Saat ini ketika rasanya juga bingung dan ragu, lagu ini kembali menyapa dan mengingatkan, kalau ada Bapa di samping, maka ke malam yang lebih kelam dari malam winter kota Brisbane dan ke negeri yang lebih asing dari Queensland, saya boleh percaya begitu rupa, sampai dengan mata yang ditutup sekalipun, saya bisa melangkah ke depan.
Wat de toekomst brengen moge,
Mij geleidt des Heeren hand;
moedig sla ik dus de oogen
naar het onbekende land.
Leer mij volgen zonder vragen;
Vader, wat Gij doet is goed!
Leer mij slechts het heden dragen
met een rustig kalmen moed! ...
What the future yet may bring me
I am led by God’s own hand.
Full of hope I look with longing
To that future’s unknown land.
Teach me following without asking
Father, what you do is good
Help me my own load to carry
In a quiet, restful mood.
Tersembunyi ujung jalan,
hampir atau masih jauh;
'ku dibimbing tangan Tuhan
ke neg'ri yang tak ku tau.
Bapa ajar aku ikut,
apa juga makudMu,
tak bersangsi atau takut,
beriman tetap teguh.
Heer, ik wil Uw liefde loven,
al begrijpt mijn ziel U niet.
Zalig hij, die durft gelooven,
ook wanneer het oog niet ziet.
Schijnen mij Uw wegen duister,
zie, ik vraag U niet: waarom?
Eenmaal zie ik al Uw luister,
als ik in Uw hemel kom!
For your love we long to praise You
While it’s hard to comprehend
Blessed are those who dare to trust You
When their eyes of faith grow dim.
When our paths appear so darkened
Then we do not ask You why?
One day we with wisdom sharpened
In Your heaven will arrive.
Meski langkahMu semua
tersembunyi bagiku,
hatiku menurut jua
dan memuji kasihMu.
Meski kini tak 'ku nampak,
nanti 'ku berbahagia,
apabila t'rangMu nampak
dengan kemuliaannya.
Laat mij niet mijn lot beslissen:
zoo ik mocht, ik durfde niet.
Ach, hoe zou ik mij vergissen,
Als Gij mij de keuze liet!
Wil mij als een kind behand’len,
dat alleen den weg niet vindt:
neem mijn hand in Uwe handen
en geleid mij als een kind
My life’s purpose You direct Lord
If I could, I would not dare
I would, no doubt, choose the wrong Lord
If that choice were in my care.
As your child I need your nurture
On my own I’d loose the way.
Take my hand into your hand
Lest in sin I go astray!
Tuhan, janganlah biarkan
kutentukan nasibku.
B'rilah hanya kudengarkan
keputusan hikmatMu.
Aku ini pun selaku
kanak-kanak yang bebal.
Bapa jua bimbing aku
ke kehidupan kekal.
Waar de weg mij brengen moge,
aan des Vaders trouwe hand
loop ik met gesloten oogen
naar het onbekende land.
Where the road may take me,
with faithful hand of the Father
I walk with eyes closed
to the unknown land.
Dengan Bapa aku maju
dalam malam yang kelam
ke neg'ri yang tak kutahu
dengan mata terpejam...
Lagu tiga bahasa ini pertama kali didengar waktu hari-hari terakhir sekolah di SMUK 3, sekolah yang susahnya setengah mati. Dengan kerja keras yang betul-betul keras, akhirnya bisa juga dapet ranking 1 di kelas 3 IPS 4. Masih ingat betul Minggu itu yang khotbah Pdt. Untung Ongkowijoyo dan khotbahnya memusingkan-gak jelas. Tapi lagu yang dipilihnya ini sangat indah. Saat itu kepala juga sedang pusing, gak tahu mau masuk kuliah jurusan apa dan akan akhirnya jadi apa. Kalau tahu pada saat itu bahwa akhirnya akan kerja di Embassy terus ke UNESCO, atau kalau tahu bahwa akan kuliah di UI, terus dapet beasiswa ke UNSW dan QUT, tentu tidak akan bingung atau takut atau ragu. Tapi waktu itu, sangat bingung dan gak tau mesti ngapain. Stanza terakhir dari lagu ini dalam bahasa Indonesia sangat menyentuh hati, "Dengan Bapa aku maju...dengan mata terpejam." Saat ini ketika rasanya juga bingung dan ragu, lagu ini kembali menyapa dan mengingatkan, kalau ada Bapa di samping, maka ke malam yang lebih kelam dari malam winter kota Brisbane dan ke negeri yang lebih asing dari Queensland, saya boleh percaya begitu rupa, sampai dengan mata yang ditutup sekalipun, saya bisa melangkah ke depan.
How firm a foundation
This was a Facebook note entry in December 10, 2010. I am in some way still missing the chance to preach, but perhaps it is now better I dedicate myself to writing for scientific publications.
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?
...
Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.
The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.
Baru ketemu lagu ini lagi di Youtube. Pertama kali didenger di St Andrew's, Sydney. Bagusnya lagu ini adalah pertentangan antara ketakutan manusia dan jaminan yang diberikan Tuhan dalam syairnya. Di bait pertama, kadang kita takut bahwa Tuhan tidak pernah menjanjikan hal yang baik sehingga kita bertanya-tanya, "Tuhan punya janji apa sih buat saya?" Si penulis syair nyatakan bahwa Tuhan sudah mengatakan semua yang perlu dikatakan. Tinggal kita ingat-ingat dan baca lagi di Alkitab.
Di bait kedua, kita kadang-kadang takut bahwa kita tidak cukup kuat untuk berdiri sendiri dan kalau sampai jatuh kita bertanya, "Siapa yang akan menolong saya?" Si penulis menjawab, atas nama Tuhan, "Aku sendiri akan menolong kamu dengan tangan kananKu." Tangan kanan, tangan yang paling kuat dan lambang kemuliaan. Kalau sudah tangan kanan yang turun, apa lagi yang perlu dikuatirkan?
Di bait ketiga, kita merasa takut menghadapi pencobaan, "Jangan-jangan saya akan hangus terbakar api pencobaan." Sang penulis kembali lagi berbicara mewakili Tuhan, "Api itu tidak akan menyakiti. Api itu adalah api ujian yang akan memurnikan engkau seperti emas. Kasih karuniaKu sudah cukup." Yang bagi kita kelihatan seperti api cobaan ternyata bagi Allah sekedar ujian yang akan membuat kita naik kelas. Siapa yang gak senang naik kelas? Apalagi kalau ujiannya disertai kasih karunia Tuhan.
Di bait terakhir, ada ketakutan terakhir tiap manusia, takut akan kematian. Namun kalau jiwanya sudah disandarkan kepada Yesus untuk beristirahat, maka menurut sang penulis, TIDAK PERLU ADA KETAKUTAN. Penulis mengulangi frasa "will not" dua kali dan kata "never" sampai tiga kali. Sang penulis kembali lagi berkata-kata atas nama Tuhannya, "Biarpun seluruh neraka berupaya menggoncang, Aku tidak akan pernah melupakannya." Di bait terakhir ini, si penulis kelihatan agak berlebihan, sepertinya ngotot sekali untuk bilang, "Jangan takut!" Namun memang itulah pesan utama syair ini.
Setelah menulis refleksi ini jadi inget kelas Pengkajian Puisi Bu Grace Wiradisastra di Selasa pagi yang selalu mengantukkan, tapi memberi bekal menafsir puisi, yang kemudian hari jadi bekal yang baik untuk menafsir Alkitab di STTJ. Persis seperti kata penulis syair tentang pencobaan/ujian yang akhirnya membuat kita lebih baik. Jadi inget juga akan hari-hari berkhotbah di English Fellowship GKI Samanhudi, dan menantikan saatnya untuk kembali khotbah di depan para pendengar lansia dan berbicara tentang, "The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose, I will not, I will not desert to its foes."
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?
...
Fear not, I am with thee, O be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen and help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.
The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.
Baru ketemu lagu ini lagi di Youtube. Pertama kali didenger di St Andrew's, Sydney. Bagusnya lagu ini adalah pertentangan antara ketakutan manusia dan jaminan yang diberikan Tuhan dalam syairnya. Di bait pertama, kadang kita takut bahwa Tuhan tidak pernah menjanjikan hal yang baik sehingga kita bertanya-tanya, "Tuhan punya janji apa sih buat saya?" Si penulis syair nyatakan bahwa Tuhan sudah mengatakan semua yang perlu dikatakan. Tinggal kita ingat-ingat dan baca lagi di Alkitab.
Di bait kedua, kita kadang-kadang takut bahwa kita tidak cukup kuat untuk berdiri sendiri dan kalau sampai jatuh kita bertanya, "Siapa yang akan menolong saya?" Si penulis menjawab, atas nama Tuhan, "Aku sendiri akan menolong kamu dengan tangan kananKu." Tangan kanan, tangan yang paling kuat dan lambang kemuliaan. Kalau sudah tangan kanan yang turun, apa lagi yang perlu dikuatirkan?
Di bait ketiga, kita merasa takut menghadapi pencobaan, "Jangan-jangan saya akan hangus terbakar api pencobaan." Sang penulis kembali lagi berbicara mewakili Tuhan, "Api itu tidak akan menyakiti. Api itu adalah api ujian yang akan memurnikan engkau seperti emas. Kasih karuniaKu sudah cukup." Yang bagi kita kelihatan seperti api cobaan ternyata bagi Allah sekedar ujian yang akan membuat kita naik kelas. Siapa yang gak senang naik kelas? Apalagi kalau ujiannya disertai kasih karunia Tuhan.
Di bait terakhir, ada ketakutan terakhir tiap manusia, takut akan kematian. Namun kalau jiwanya sudah disandarkan kepada Yesus untuk beristirahat, maka menurut sang penulis, TIDAK PERLU ADA KETAKUTAN. Penulis mengulangi frasa "will not" dua kali dan kata "never" sampai tiga kali. Sang penulis kembali lagi berkata-kata atas nama Tuhannya, "Biarpun seluruh neraka berupaya menggoncang, Aku tidak akan pernah melupakannya." Di bait terakhir ini, si penulis kelihatan agak berlebihan, sepertinya ngotot sekali untuk bilang, "Jangan takut!" Namun memang itulah pesan utama syair ini.
Setelah menulis refleksi ini jadi inget kelas Pengkajian Puisi Bu Grace Wiradisastra di Selasa pagi yang selalu mengantukkan, tapi memberi bekal menafsir puisi, yang kemudian hari jadi bekal yang baik untuk menafsir Alkitab di STTJ. Persis seperti kata penulis syair tentang pencobaan/ujian yang akhirnya membuat kita lebih baik. Jadi inget juga akan hari-hari berkhotbah di English Fellowship GKI Samanhudi, dan menantikan saatnya untuk kembali khotbah di depan para pendengar lansia dan berbicara tentang, "The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose, I will not, I will not desert to its foes."
Now the last post was six years ago
The last post on this blog was six years ago. My life of course has changed dramatically since then. I have completed two post-graduate degrees, won many awards, had numerous publications. Simultaneously, there have been many disappointments on how the life turned. Some entries in my Facebook notes I suppose captured some critical moments in life and how I reflected on those moments.
The question is course why I revisit this blog. In many ways the blog has captured the struggles that I had so many years back. When I read the entries, I found a strange version of my younger self crystalized in the blog entries. I hope by being active again in writing this blog, I will be able to charter my life's trajectory better, and will have the chance to reflect back to how I have lived my life. Since it has been inactive for many years, I believe almost no one will follow the blog, which is great. I am free to express what I feel and view.
The question is course why I revisit this blog. In many ways the blog has captured the struggles that I had so many years back. When I read the entries, I found a strange version of my younger self crystalized in the blog entries. I hope by being active again in writing this blog, I will be able to charter my life's trajectory better, and will have the chance to reflect back to how I have lived my life. Since it has been inactive for many years, I believe almost no one will follow the blog, which is great. I am free to express what I feel and view.
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